Do you ever look on at your
7 year-old’s tantrum and wonder why they seem to malfunctioning like a
short-circuiting laptop? It’s the sudden break-down triggered by a refusal to
go to hockey practice; or the rebellious battle cries when you ask your teen to
bring the six cereal bowls they’ve taken hostage in their bedroom down to the
dishwasher that can leave us feeling utterly blindsided.
One of the most perplexing
questions for a parent is why
a child does something. As children grow
and become more verbal you can engage in a conversation about the why
and the what
of it all; but even then we know that human brains aren’t
fully developed and hormones don’t fully self-regulate in most of us until the
age of 25. It’s hard enough explaining boundaries and connecting authentically
with our children that can verbally communicate with us, but it can feel like
just a lot of guessing with our very little ones!
According to Dr. William
Glasser, a pioneer in understanding human behavior, all human beings have 5
genetic needs built into our DNA which we are always trying to fulfill. We’re a
bit like vehicles in that sense. In the same way your car needs gas to run and
oil to stay lubricated, so too do we have fundamental needs that are imperative
to our survival as humans.
Dr. Glasser believes that all
of our behavior is directed at meeting one or more of these needs. It doesn’t
matter where you were born or how you were raised, every human with a beating
heart has these 5 needs directing our behaviour.
It’s no surprise then that
understanding those 5 needs is wonderfully helpful when trying to negotiate
with a toddler who won’t stop throwing peas across the table at grandpa. So,
what are those genetic needs?
We’ve broken them down for you:
The first need we all have
hardwired into our DNA is survival. Shelter, warmth, regular food, clean
drinking water, and safety are what we all need to survive.
It really wasn’t that long
ago that parents thought the feeding, sheltering and clothing a child was all
that was required for raising children. Today we know that much more is
actually needed for a child to self-actualize. Although survival is very
important, it is only one of our genetic needs.
As human beings, we are
hard-wired for relationships. Everything about us wants to connect in some way
with the other. In our video, Kimberley and I talk about this need
and how
important it is for children to thrive. Although we know that love is of course
a fundamental need for our children, belonging often gets overlooked. Teenagers
especially need to feel like they belong, not only in their homes but in their
social groups as well. This is why instilling a strong sense of love and
belonging in your child is so important for them as they grow to discover who
they are, along with what and who they love.
Many of us don’t realize
how important it is for us to feel like we have freedom over our own choices
and actions. Limiting your child’s opportunities and dictating their every
behaviour can severely limit their freedom.
Freedom can take many forms
and can be expressed through a desire for choices and options. It can be
expressed in the desire to move physically and even our thinking can help us
feel free. Daydreaming is a great way to have a freedom break and so is using
your imagination.
The fourth need is often
very controversial and is the need for power. The need for power is often what
causes so many delays on busy Tuesday mornings as you’re trying to get the kids
out the door and into the minivan to school! A four-year old’s insistence on
wearing odd socks and mismatched shoes, a teenager’s resistance to take the
lunch you packed for them, the adolescent who straight up refuses
to wear pants even though it’s 4 degrees outside…they want
the power to choose.
Today many people feel
power is a negative. We are more aware than ever of misuse of power and out
right abuse of it. But if this need is genetic then ensuring that our
children’s power needs are met is part and parcel of raising them.
The last genetic need may
also be a surprise to you--It's the need for fun! Many of us were raised with the work first play later
motto, and fun
was NOT seen as essential. Many of our grandparents would have laughed at the thought
of fun being a need hardwired into our DNA!
Here’s where the science
gets interesting; fun is a genetic need because it is directly linked to
learning. Play is the most natural and optimal learning environment. Our
species is not the fastest nor the strongest, but we are the best at adapting.
It is this ability to learn and adapt that has allowed us to survive so long.
When your child is playing, they are learning too. In fact, studies have shown
that the exact same part of our brains that light up when we’re learning also
light up when we’re having fun!
In March many families will
have spring break, an opportunity to relax and play. The more play time you
have with your children the more connected you will be to them. But remember
fun is like sleep, you need it on a regular basis! It's not something you can
store up for use later.
People often wonder if one
need is more important than another and the answer is no, they are not hierarchical.
All the needs are equally important. An easy way to picture this is to think of
the needs as the legs of a chair and the seat is the survival need. when you
picture this you will realize that all the needs matter and that we really do
need to attend to all of them on a daily basis.
Let us know what you're noticing in the comments!
Kimberley & Lynn
