There are so many things to remember all the time as parents.
What time are the activities today?
What time do we need to be out the door to leave for school?
Does Johnny have his coat? Did he grab his lunch?
Where is my wallet?
Shoot! I’ve left the house without my phone!
At the end of the day, after dinner and the subsequent dinner clean-up, after we’ve read our books, and after finally tucking Johnny into bed, I’m toast! I’m so exhausted!
We live in GO MODE much of the time, and it’s easy to understand why...there's lots to get done in a day! And as we all know, it sure is easy to find ourselves getting frustrated with our children when we’re running at such a fast pace!
We all know about basic needs of food, sleep, exercise, safety etc but the need for love and belonging, although understood, is often NOT addressed in a way that really works. When you do sooo much for your children it can feel like, "How could they not know I love them?" Well, the truth is they might not fully know! Even saying you love them doesn't always work because each person has a different way of recognizing and decoding the message of love and loving.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman details the ways that we prefer to give and receive love. A book originally written for couples, it has been updated for children as well.
If we are unaware of how our children like to give and to receive love, they may behave in ways that can confuse and even irritate us. But worst of all, we can completely miss some of the greatest love they have to offer!
The more we understand about our children’s love languages, the better we can demonstrate our love to them in a way they can fully receive it.
In the midst of our busy days, if we intentionally plan to demonstrate love to our children in accessible ways, we will find that some of their behaviours that may have confused or frustrated us, will diminish.
So much of what we do as humans is driven by the desire for love and belonging, so if we can pinpoint the best ways in which to love our children, then we have hit the jackpot! Knowing which love languages your child prefers can be a great tool to help you quickly adjust your actions in order to better meet their love and belonging needs.
One of the best ways is to pay attention to the way that they demonstrate love to you.
Do they give you tons of hugs all day every day? When they were little, did they want to sit on your lap and hold your hand lots and give butterfly kisses more so than you noticed with other children?
Does your child tell you how pretty you are and do they tell you how great you are? (Think back to their childhood if your teen doesn’t do this right now.) Does your child respond very favourably every time you praise them? Did they constantly ask you to watch them in the swimming pool? “Did you see that mommy? Did you see that? Did you like how long I held my breath?
Does your child love to bring you gifts and make you things? Does your child go crazy every time you bring them a gift? Do they play with that gift and put it in a special place and savour it?
Does your child love to bring you coffee in bed and make you breakfast? Do you find your child helping other children on the playground? Does your teen find themself being the one their friends come to for help? Does your child love to do things for other people?
Do you notice that your child complains they never get to see you? Is your child looking for ways to spend more time with you? Do you find your teen super grumpy if you haven’t been around (although they would never admit to that) and then after a Christmas break where you had more times to play board games and connect, that they are so much happier?
One of my children has a high need for physical touch. Now that they are a teenager and not sitting on my lap every day or voluntarily giving me hugs, I have to find creative ways to offer physical affection to them. I’ve noticed that there are times when they literally seem starved of physical touch, and when we actually get a solid chunk of time to sit side by side almost cuddled on the couch, I can literally feel their whole demeanor shift. Their mood immediately lifts, and they become significantly less argumentative and combative. Better still, their being seems so much more grounded.
When they were little, they could be screaming and screaming at the top of their lungs, yet when I picked them and held them close for a long, strong, hug, they would all of a sudden relax their whole body and calm right down. All would be right with the world after! In my case, understanding my child’s love language proved to be extremely effective at connecting with them.
I truly believe we can prevent some of our children’s outbursts and challenging behaviours if we attune ourselves to their love language and consciously choose to love them in the way they are wanting to be loved.
As we begin to learn and act on our children’s preferred love languages, our relationships with them will strengthen and grow. So how about you?
What love languages have you noticed that your children prefer?
K & L
