This is such an
important question and it's really easy to confuse power and freedom. As
we've shared, freedom is often about choices so if my child is pushing
for a choice isn't the need freedom? The answer is not necessarily! So
let me give you the easiest way to tell the difference between power and
freedom.
Power
always involves a narrowing of focus, like a laser beam it gains
intensity as it narrows. Think of this visually as you imagining
focusing in on an object or person you want to meet. We all know what
that is like with a young child who is determined to get a toy they
want. Even physically the energy becomes more compressed and focused,
the little hands coming in to grab the object..
Freedom
is expansive, the very opposite of power. Physically we open our hands
or arms, we might breathe more deeply; as adults our shoulders will
often drop and we relax. Options give a sense of freedom, feeling we
have choices, there is a range of possibilities etc.
Where
it gets confusing is in the language. When you hear your child express
the desire for something and say or infer "I want a choice" it sounds
like the need is freedom but in fact it is power - meaning "I want to
choose!!! I should have the right to choose." etc. The energy is focused
and the message is clear: Let me decide!
Recognizing this need and naming it is really
important and helpful. The more a child can learn how to express what
they are really needing the better they will be at finding appropriate
solutions. So often children do not have a language to express what they
want or need and their frustration reflects this. As things escalate it
is even harder then, for a parent to know what is really going on.
Lastly,
just because the need at a certain moment is for power, doesn't mean
that the need for freedom isn't also playing a part and needing
attention! When we feel boxed in, pressed, over structured or scheduled
we can also have a pressing need for freedom. When children come home
from school or daycare they often need the space and freedom of
unstructured time. They haven't been free all day to do what they want
and parents often forget this. Children seem so much more free than us
adults but for them it's all relative and believe me school or daycare
is rarely all fun.
A
great thing to do is to check in with yourself first, and ask yourself "
how free do I feel?" around 4-5:00pm? If you are low on freedom you
won't do well with strong demands from your child(ren) that put pressure
on you to do/give them what they want.
Secondly, check in with your
children and see how free they are feeling. Using a scale of 1-10 is an
easy way to get a sense of where they are at. "So on a scale of 1-10 how
free are you feeling?" ( with 10 being totally free and 1 being not
free at all). This may take a bit of practice and if they say they don't
know, invite to just to guess. They will get the hang of this pretty
quickly. Using a concrete measure will really help you to be on the same
page as your child.
K & L
