Resiliency can be
viewed in at least two different ways – how well can I stay above water even when
the water feels rough, and how quickly can I bounce back from an upset?
Resilient
children rebuild the Lego tower when it crashes to the ground and will keep
trying to rebuild a stronger one until they tire or it’s time for dinner. A resilient
adolescent will keep auditioning for the main part in the school play even when
last year they played Shepherd #2. A resilient parent is one to tries to
connect with their teen even when their attempts are rejected or mocked.
Planting and nurturing
resiliency is crucial in preparing them for the very real ways the wold doesn’t
always bend our way.
No matter our life paths and circumstances, the ability to
develop strong resiliency helps us all when navigating the ebbs and flows of life.
Dr. Richard Davidson,
an early pioneer in the research on brain plasticity and the founder of the
Centre for Healthy Minds, feels it is critically important. He says that
emotional and intellectual resiliency is the best
predictor of success in life.
Let’s start with intellectual resiliency which is not something we
often think about. What is intellectual resiliency? It’s the capacity to:
1. Stay focused
2. Pay attention
3.
Stay engaged with learning
Mindfulness is one of
the main strategies to build resiliency and is being taught in schools for
children right from kindergarten to Gr. 12. One activity used to foster focus is
to ring a bell and see how long you can hear the tone. Doing this over time helps
children grow their capacity to stay focussed. Another activity used in
pre-schools is to have the children place a pebble on their belly and watch it
as they breathe. Both of these activities could be done at home and they
actually change the brain circuitry. This ability to focus can then help
children in other situations but you must do the activity regularly to groove
this in the brain. Doing them for a short amount of time is fine- 15 seconds as
long as you do them repeatedly.
Staying engaged with
learning requires teachers and parents to strike the balance of fun and
challenge in learning.
If there is too much challenge learning feels hard and
not fun and if there is too little challenge the learning will be boring.
Finding the balance of fun and challenge isn’t always easy but really worth
working on. Parents play a key part in supporting or discouraging a love of
learning and so we must not leave fun out of the equation.
Emotional
resiliency comes from feeling
grounded and having a good sense of self,
which includes meeting the emotional
or psychological needs we have been focussing on – Love and Belonging, Power,
Freedom and Fun. There are many facets to emotional resiliency including: learning to express your feelings, having your
thoughts and feelings acknowledged and valued, and being supported in
processing an upsetting event to conclusion.
Dr. Daniel Segal, in his book The
Whole Brain Child
shares how important it is to help a child process an
emotional event until it is fully “digested”. This is not something that comes
naturally but really works. My granddaughter had an upsetting event happen at a
swimming event. As soon as the class was over she started telling her Dad all
about it. This continued into the car and all the way home. My son said if I
had not told him about how a child integrates an upsetting event, he would have
asked his daughter to stop talking about it after hearing the story once. Once
would not have been enough for her to fully “digest “the experience and her
upset and move on. If we help children with this they will not have a backlog
of experiences that are sitting like “lumps” in their stomach and getting
activated when other experiences spark them.
Teenagers especially
need support in resiliency and self-regulation. Because of the brain
developments during puberty teenagers are especially challenged to
self-regulate themselves. Daily practise can make a big difference in emotional
resilience.
A key practise recommended for teenagers is a Gratitude Practise.
This likely won’t seem appealing to them but if your relationship is good you
can foster this by doing it yourself, sharing one or two things daily, when
driving or having a meal.
A great resource for
parents of adolescents is: Learn to Breathe
program by
Patricia Broderic. Her work has been empirically studied and found to have
great effectiveness.
Kimberley & Lynn
